


From, Utopia

by AsaLance



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Unrequited Love, woosan friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23728672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsaLance/pseuds/AsaLance
Summary: Falling in love with Wooyoung was easy. Wooyoung was like the sun. His overall energy could make anyone laugh and smile. Woo’s smile was infectious, god how San loved to see him smile. Wooyoung was his sun, his energy, his everything. Only when San had left did he realize this; realize how much he needed him and that’s when everything fell apart.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Choi San/Park Seonghwa, Jeong Yunho/Kang Yeosang
Comments: 7
Kudos: 55





	From, Utopia

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! This is my first ateez and hanahaki fic!! I hope you guys like it and I'm sorry.

San sighed, walking up the stairs to Wooyoung’s apartment. San had been struggling with his sexual orientation for as long as he could remember. When San was younger, he had shown more interest in males. His parents had been ashamed of him; his mother ranting about how she could have a son like him. 

He felt like a disease. 

He felt unnatural. 

He felt like a disgrace. 

It had all become too much for San to bear and he opted to study abroad in America, leaving his tight knit group of friends behind. He felt horrible leaving them. His friends were more like family to him than his parents were, but he just had to get away. 

It had been almost two years since he left. Two years since he had seen his friends face-to-face, and honestly San was a little nervous. He had frequently contacted his friends during the first couple of months of his study abroad; most frequently with Wooyoung. That’s when he realized what he was doing. He was falling in love with Wooyoung.

Falling in love with Wooyoung was easy. Wooyoung was like the sun. His overall energy could make anyone laugh and smile. Woo’s smile was infectious, god how San loved to see him smile. Wooyoung was his sun, his energy, his everything. Only when San left had he realized this; realized how much he needed him. That’s when everything fell apart.

He stopped in front of the door to Wooyoung’s apartment and took a deep breath before knocking. He was greeted with a smiling Wooyoung. 

“San! We’ve all missed you so much!” he said, ushering San into the apartment. San could feel his chest tightening. This was a bad idea. 

❀

“I don’t think dying of hanahaki would be so bad.”

When San had absent-mindedly commented on the group's discussion, he assumed his friends wouldn’t think much of it and brush him off. “What would the worst way to die be?” San couldn’t remember who asked the question, but he was becoming increasingly more uncomfortable as the conversation progressed. Hongjoong’s input into the discussion was the tipping point for San, “I think hanahaki is the most cruel and painful way to die.”

They were seated on the floor around the small table in Wooyoung’s living room. Something about his comment had soured the lively mood, because he was met with hardened stares and a deafening silence. 

San’s eyes flickered around the faces of his friends; he began picking at the hem of his sleeve nervously. 

Mingi was the first to break the silence, “…you can’t be serious?” San brought his eyes to meet Mingi's; his expression was almost serious enough for San to call a glare. Everyone was staring at him with various expressions of disgust and sadness.

San turned to Wooyoung. Wooyoung always made him feel like he could do or say anything, and tell his friends the truth, at least some of it. Wooyoung immediately looked away from San’s gaze and his heart dropped in his chest. He realized he had messed up with his comment and with the growing tension in the room it seemed like he had missed something while he was gone. His eyes fluttered to Yunho and Yeosang. They were leaning up against each other hand-in-hand. Yunho was gently running his fingers across the back of Yeosang’s hand comfortingly. 

San rubbed his hand across the back of his neck nervously. It was now or never. “Well….” San started, “I think it’s beautiful in a way.”

“How can you say that??” Seonghwa practically yelled at him, “I don’t think you’d be saying that if you’d ever had to go through the disease.”

San was now certain he had missed something. Regaining his confidence, “How are you so certain I haven’t gone through it?”

Wooyoung met his gaze for the first time in what felt like forever, “San…” he started cautiously unsure of how to continue.

San saw Wooyoung’s pained expression, his heart ached causing his Wooyoung’s unhappiness. 

His Wooyoung.

His Woo.

His sunshine.

San feels the familiar pressure in his lungs as his throat contracted. He turned his head away and coughed violently into his hand while the other gripped his shirt so hard his knuckles had turned white. His eyes were screwed shut, he didn’t dare open them. San’s lungs burned as the coughing fit subsided; he drew his hand away from mouth and outpoured a mouthful of delicate pink and white cherry blossom petals.

Wooyoung was there instantly at San’s side, rubbing soothing circles on San’s back. His gesture only spurred on the fire that was burning inside San’s lungs, but he just couldn’t bear to push Woo away. 

Seonghwa was by his side in an instant with a towel, whipping away the blood from San’s mouth. “San… I’m sorry I didn’t know.”

Jongho spoke up for the first time, “Hyung, who is it?”

San’s eyes fluttered between his friends; he no longer saw disgust, but sadness and concern. His eyes met with Wooyoung’s, who gave him a half-pained smile. San knew he just couldn’t tell him. Wooyoung was his best friend and nothing more. San knew with the appearance of this disease it would be nothing more. Telling Wooyoung he loved him wasn’t going to change that and would only make Wooyoung feel guilty and that was the last thing San wanted. 

“Just a boy I met on my study abroad.” San replied, opting to leave it at that.

“San-ah,” Seonghwa said, taking his hands, “You don’t have an apartment, right? Why don’t you stay with me? I still have an extra room since Yunho moved out.”

San nodded, “Sure. If you’ll have me.” This was a new development. He wondered why Yunho had moved out, the pair had always been as thick as thieves getting into trouble wherever they could find it. 

The deafening silence fell over the group again as Seonghwa retreated to his seat beside Yunho. 

“So!” Hongjoong clapped, drawing everyone out of their thoughts. “Since we’re all together again, I wanted to invite you guys to a showcase. It’s not for a while still but my art is finally getting recognized and I’ve been asked to add a piece. I couldn’t have gotten this far in my career without you guys and I couldn’t imagine going to the showcase without you.” 

“Of course, we’ll be there, hyung!” Yeosang smiled.

“All of us.” 

San couldn’t help but smile at those words. They comforted him conveying that despite everything that happened in the past year and San’s expiration date, the eight of them were the same as they’d always been: a team.

❀

San loved the view from Seonghwa’s apartment. Across the street was a park lined with cherry blossom trees. The trees were a few feet away from each other; the branches looming over the pathway like an arch, near the end of the pathway was a pair of weeping cherry blossom trees on either side. San had heard the design was supposed to instill renewal and purity, but the more he looked at it the more he saw its underlying meaning. It was a gateway for hanahaki’s keepers.

Often San saw people enter the walkway with bundles of flowers and place them at the base of the cherry blossom trees. Seonghwa had told him that many people who had lost loved ones to hanahaki placed the flowers there as a remembrance. Seonghwa had regarded him with a look San couldn’t quite discern. Seonghwa had found the park tragic and sad; refusing to talk of it further, but San saw the beauty. The flowers were almost like a living tombstone of the love those keepers felt. A love that was never returned. A love that was still beautiful and precious. A love that was claimed by an unforgiving disease. San had always thought it was cruel that only after they were gone was their love remembered and immortalized in the flowers that were left by the trees. It was cruel, but it was also breathtaking how the trees seemed to salute people as they walked down the passage, while the two trees at the end cried reaching their branches down in comfort. 

“Are you staring at the cherry blossoms again?” Seonghwa asked, pulling San out of his thoughts. 

“They’re so beautiful.” San trailed off, “Hyung, what happened between Yunho and Yeosang? Their relationship seems…. Different.” he finished.

Seonghwa sighed, moving to the opposite side of the window. He looked out at the park. “It started a couple months after you left. It was a surprise to all of us when Yunho started coughing up carnation petals.”

San tried to hide the surprise in his voice, “Yunho had hanahaki…?” He expected the group had some experience with hanahaki based off the hardened stares that were directed at him the other day, but San sure wasn’t expecting this.

“It was so unexpected,” Seonghwa continued, “None of us realized he had feelings for Yeosang and I guess his feelings grew enough to sprout a flower. He had a tickle in his throat for a while and we all thought he had just caught a lingering cold. None of us expected the pink flowers.” 

Seonghwas’s expression darkened, tears welled up in his eyes. “None of us had ever seen him so broken down by the world. He was so ashamed for putting the burden of his love on Yeosang. He was sure Yeosang didn’t love him back; it killed him that Yeosang blamed himself for causing his pain. It hurt all of us.”

Seonghwa turned to face San for the first time since the start of their conversation. “We saw what it was like to go through that first-hand. I saw Yunho suffer everyday. I heard him coughing from his room everyday. Everyday I was scared to lose him. I’m scared to lose you. Do you really believe dying from hanahaki isn’t that bad?”

San met Seonghwa’s eyes, noticing the concern that was etched across Seonghwa’s soft features. “Do you really believe that…?”

San wrapped his arms around Seonghwa’s torso, bringing him closer and resting his head on Seonghwa’s shoulder. Their embrace felt like time had stopped. Their chests pressed up against each other. San could feel hot tears hitting his shoulder. Neither wanted to let go. San looked up from Seonghwa’s shoulder, bringing a hand to wipe the tears flowing down his face. In truth, San was scared to die. The guilt of leaving his 7 brothers behind ate away at him. 

“Yes, I believe it.”

“Life is the tragedy. Our lives all end one way or another. When I die, people will see the petals I’ve left behind. They’ll look at those petals and remember that no matter how tragic life is, how tragic the disease is; there is something beautiful that remains.”

Seonghwa held him close, his voice shaky, “I don’t want to remember you by the thing that kills you. I want you here. You mean the world to us…. to me. There must be something you can do; that boy, do you know he doesn’t love you? Does he know how much it’ll hurt losing you because of him?”

San burrowed his head into Seonghwa’s chest. This is why he didn’t want to tell the others that the boy he liked wasn’t a stranger. That boy was Woo. 

❀

With each passing week, San was getting worse. Seonghwa had started taking less shifts at work to care for him, making San feel guilty. Seonghwa brushed him off saying it wasn’t a big deal and that San would do the same for him. The others came over frequently to spend time with him, especially Wooyoung. It seemed like the group had set up weekly get togethers.

Half of these get-togethers were just them sitting together. San had asked one night if they were bored just sitting around to which Jongho replied, “We don’t need to be doing something to have fun and enjoy spending time together.”

“Aren’t you guys busy though?” San wondered, “Joong has the showcase to prepare for too.” 

Hongjoong smiled at him, “Nothing is more important than this. My paintings can wait. The curator will understand.” San had realized they were spending this time together to make up for the time they’ll lose when he’s gone, they were making memories to look back on.

San looked forward to these gatherings. He had missed spending time with the group while he was in America. San could tell the others were trying not to bring up San’s condition, but he could tell they were concerned. Why else would they be coming over so often? They knew San wasn’t going to be here for much longer.

San had done his best to not worry the others. He wished he hadn’t told them he was dying, but he was glad Wooyoung hadn’t figured out he was coughing up cherry blossoms for him. 

Their recent gathering hadn’t been the best per se. The group had decided to watch a movie; everyone was doing their best to fit on the small sofa while others, including San, had opted to sit on the floor. San was resting his head on Mingi’s lap, the other slowly karding his fingers through San’s hair absentmindedly. San looked over at Wooyoung, he was watching the movie intently, it was so enduring. A smile crept onto San’s lips and that was when he felt it. The pressure building up in his lungs threatening to blow. He tried to ignore it, not wanting to give the others a bad memory. 

San stifled his cough, ignoring the increasing need to cough up the petals. Mingi’s hand stilled almost immediately. Mingi moved quickly, pulling San up as quickly as he could, leading San to the bathroom as he coughed into his hand. San leaned heavily against Mingi as the pressure in his lungs continued to build; his face contorted in pain. 

San hunched over the porcelain bowl as another coughing fit racked his small frame. Mingi was by his side rubbing soothing circles on his back as the petals poured out of his mouth. San pulled back to lay against the cool wall of the bathroom, eyes wired shut trying to push the remaining petals back down. “San…” Mingi whispered.

San looked down at his hand, his fingers and palm were coated red with blood. Mingi gently cupped his head bringing it to his chest, “Hyung!” Mingi cried into the living room. The others appeared in the doorway with varying looks of horror. Wooyoung knelt down next to him, running his hand through San’s sweat soaked hair. San grabbed at his chest searching for air as he continued coughing scattering petals across the floor. 

His hand fell to grip Mingi’s shirt as the fit passed, leaving behind a red handprint. Everything he touched was red with blood. The once delicate pink-white petals were stained red with speckles of blood. His body was fighting to take a breath, and for the first time San saw the cruelty lurking in beneath the beauty. 

He lifted his head to look up at Mingi, blood trickling from the corner of his mouth. Mingi smiled down at him, tears in his eyes as he told him it was going to be okay. Wooyoung was hovering over him with a first aid kit in his hand. Wooyoung, who even in the worst situation, shined like the sun. Wooyoung, who was oblivious to the damage he was doing to him. San wanted to tell him he loved him, to get his feelings out there. But he knew that would be cruel and selfish of him. He wanted to say I love you, but the petals were there to remind him he isn’t loved by Wooyoung, not the love that San felt. He closed his eyes and focused on the soft caress of Mingi’s fingers against his hair, letting the petals have their way with him.

The incident that night had spurred the others into action. They had decided the only way to end his suffering was to find this boy San was in love with, unknowing that the person was among them.

Hongjoong was at the computer, looking through pictures other people from San’s program had uploaded. “San-ah, is this him?” Hongjoong asked, pointing at a blurry figure in the background.

“I don’t know.” San shrugs. Hongjoong made a face at him and turned back to the photo album he was going through. His eyes wandered over the faces of his friends. They all looked so determined and San couldn’t help but smile.

San coughed a little, drawing the attention of the group. He raised his hand up to signal them he was okay. The taste of copper was distinct as he swallowed back the petals. Jongho came over to snuggle up to his side. San was content like this; he wished this moment could last forever. 

Wooyoung walked over to the pair, laptop in hand and settled down against San’s side. “Is this him?” Wooyoung asked hopeful, showing San a picture of him and a random stranger in the background. San swore he saw Wooyoung’s eyes sparkle. He didn't understand how perfect Wooyoung was in every way. 

“Woo…” San began before his body convulsed in another coughing fit. Jongho and Wooyoung were comforting him in an instant. Each cough sounded worse than the last. The blood soaked petals landed softly on his lap.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five….

San stopped counting as more and more poured from his lungs. His chest felt like it was on fire, waves off pain radiated through his body. He rested his head on Wooyoung’s chest. “It hurts, Woo. It really hurts…” San sobbed grasping the fabric of Wooyoung’s shirt.

“I know,” Wooyoung mumbled leaning his head against the top of San’s head. San felt hot tears hit the top of his head as Wooyoung cried. “I’m here. You’re doing so well. We all love you so much.”

San gasped in pain as the burning in his chest intensified, but he couldn’t pull away. He needed this moment with Wooyoung. 

His Wooyoung.

His Woo.

His sunshine.

❀

San had always stared at the beautiful cherry blossom trees outside the window. San walked through the park, basking in the beauty of the trees and the falling petals. San had watched the flowers bloom through his window. The flowers were beautiful and pure, they reminded him so much of Wooyoung for so many reasons, but they were also a reminder of his humanity and mortality. Just like the flowers, San’s life could end at any moment. 

San made his way down the path, stopping at the base of the tree just before the weeping cherry blossoms. San’s chest burned as he wiped the tears from his eyes. Before his strength gave way and he crumpled to the ground, leaning up against the trunk of the tree. 

It's better this way. He didn’t want the others to see this. 

“San!” 

“San!” The voice was louder this time and he recognized it as Seonghwa. There was panic in Seonghwa’s eyes as he pulled San into his embrace. “Just hang on okay?” His voice cracked and he sniffled against San’s neck, not letting go. 

“It’s time to let me go, Hwa.” He looked up at him. He was sorry he couldn’t spare Seonghwa from this. A huge gust of wind moved through the park, pulling petals from the trees. The petals cascaded toward the ground like rain.

Seonghwa made a sound San had never heard before, it was so pained and full of sadness. “I’m sorry. I can’t let you go.”

Seonghwa wondered what had gone wrong for things to end up like this. What had been done to anger fate so greatly that they inflicted this fate upon anyone? Upon San. 

San’s eyes fluttered as he coughed up petals and blood, Seonghwa fussing over him immediately. He wiped at the blood, cradling San close. 

“San, I have to tell you something.” Seonghwa says tearfully. “These last few weeks we’ve had together have been the best.” He choked on his last couple of words.

San reached his hand up to wipe the tears that had begun to fall steadily down Seonghwa’s face. He took San’s hand, holding it against his cheek, “San, I love you.” It was becoming hard to keep his eyelids open, but even without fully seeing Seonghwa’s face, San knew the kind of love Seonghwa felt. And maybe he felt it a little too.

It was like time had stopped for them, only the two of them mattered.

“Hwa…” his voice barely audible, “I think I might love you too.”

Seonghwa grips his hand tightly, like nothing in this universe could pull them apart. His cheeks and nose are red; his eyelashes soaked with tears that continue to spill from his eyes. His eyes were as beautiful as the night sky. Twinkling through the shadows. San hadn’t realized he was crying until that moment. He blinked back the tears; unable to stop them. 

“Please don’t cry.”San whispered, unsure if he was telling himself that or Seonghwa. “Don’t cry...:”

Seonghwa wiped away San’s tears. San gasped as the pain radiated from his chest to the rest of his body. San’s hand loosened in Seonghwa’s grip, “No. Not yet. Not yet. Please, not yet.” San’s heart breaks, he didn’t mean to make Seonghwa sad. Fate was cruel. This disease was cruel.

“Hwa…” San smiled up at him.

“Shhhh. It’s okay. You’re fine.” Seonghwa lowered his head to kiss San’s forehead, “Not yet… not yet.”

The wind picked up again, bringing more petals down with it. Like the trees were crying with them at love that was being taken. At the life that was like a cherry blossom. A life that was ending too soon.

“Hwa, I’m so sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I lied,” San whispered, “The boy that I loved. The boy these flowers grew for. It was Woo. I’m so sorry. So sorry. Please don’t hate him.” San’s voice cracked, “It’s my fault. Please don’t hate him.”

Seonghwa turned away for a moment, fighting the tears at San’s confession. He brought his hand to rest comfortingly along San’s cheek, “I don’t hate him.” He began, “There’s so many things I want to say to you. Want to do with you.”

“I wish I had time to love you the way you had time to love Wooyoung.” 

“I wish I had time to love you.” San repeated, sniffling.

The pair went silent for a moment. San felt tired, like his mind was in a haze that wouldn’t lift. “Even though it's cruel, it’s beautiful.” San coughed up another mouthful of petals. The petals that had rained from the trees, mixed with San’s bloodstained ones. It was beautiful.

The petals from the trees had decorated the ground and made a home within Seonghwa’s hair, just as San had done in Seonghwa’s heart. 

“I like the cherry blossoms.” San says quietly. Seonghwa stared into his eyes, a sad smile forming on his lips.

“They’re as beautiful as you.” Seonghwa whispered back. San smiled, Seonghwa always was such a flirt. “I love you, Choi San.” 

“My San.”

“My mountain.”

“My sunshine.”

San gasped, his back arching upwards. “What’s wrong? San, what’s wrong? You can’t leave me, please. Please…” 

San could barely see through the tears and the haze, but he smiled. “I’m sorry. I can’t be there for you. Please tell the others thank you.” His breath hitched, “Tell Joong I’m sorry I couldn’t see his art.”

San closed his eyes, letting the force of the petals crash over him in waves. Seonghwa’s whole body shook as he wailed in agony. “San. San. San.” he called.

“San.” His voice broke, choking back his tears. “Open your eyes. Look at me, Sannie please. Open your eyes!”

Seonghwa sobbed and rocked San gently in his arms. “It’s okay. You’re okay. It’s okay.” It was all but okay.

San’s breath shuddered, then faded. The waves of petals finally crashed into him. He could hear Seonghwa telling him he loved him, a small smile on his lips knowing in the end he was loved as the wave of petals swept him under.

❀

Seonghwa walked down the path; the cherry blossoms no longer in bloom. The petals withering away on the cold ground. Seonghwa stopped in front of the tree before the weeping cherry blossom trees. He stood in front of the tree that took everything from him.

He sat against the hard bark of the tree as San had once done. The bark wailed against the pressure, as if it knew what it had taken. 

Seonghwa closed his eyes, as the memories and voices of his San echoed in his head. All loud and full of energy, the perfect embodiment of San. 

San smiled at him.  
He smiled back.

I think it’s beautiful.  
You’re beautiful.

Hyung, it hurts.  
I’m here. It’s okay.

He opened his eyes to see Wooyoung kneeling down in front of him. “I knew I’d find you here.”

Seonghwa rubbed at his chest, sucking in a deep breath as he moved over slightly, allowing Wooyoung to sit next to him. Seonghwa coughed, he tried to catch his breath but was cut off by harsh coughs ripping through his throat. Wooyoung patted his upper back, attempting to help dislodge whatever was caught in his throat. Seonghwa took in a breath, finally dislodging the object from his throat. He removed his hands from his mouth as a delicate cherry blossom petal floated down onto his lap.

Wooyoung picked up the flower petal, he looked at Seonghwa with knowing eyes. “You really loved him didn’t you?”

Seonghwa’s lip quivered in unshed tears, as he stared at the petal in Wooyoung’s hand. Without San, the ache in his chest had consumed him. San was able to see the beauty in everything, even in something so cruel. He looked up at the branches of San’s tree, even with no flowers he was beautiful. Seonghwa wished he would be able to see the hidden beauty in his own flowers. 

San hadn’t been able to see Hongjoong’s art showcase.

And neither would Seonghwa.


End file.
